Friendship, in general, is defined as a relationship of mutual affection between people. It is a more powerful interpersonal bond than an “acquaintance” or an “association,” such as a classmate, neighbour, co-worker, or colleague.
In some cultures, friendship is restricted to a small number of profound relationships; in others, a person could have many friends, plus perhaps a more intense relationship with one or two people who may be called good friends or best friends. Although there are many forms of friendship, some of which may vary from place to place, specific characteristics are present in many such bonds. Such features include choosing to be with one another, enjoying time spent together, and engaging in a positive and supportive role.
Aristotle figured there were three kinds of friendships, namely,
- Friendships of utility: exist between you and someone helpful to you somehow.
- Friendships of pleasure: exist between you and those whose company you enjoy.
- Friendships of the good: are based on mutual respect and admiration.
So, what is a good friendship? Good friends are not judgmental, always available to listen and help and keep private information confidential. They maintain respect and respectful boundaries. The qualities of a good friendship are difficult to define, but the following might apply:
They laugh at each other’s jokes; there is no competition; they value honesty, stick up for each other, normalize each other’s experiences, and accept each other.
Humans have a limit on how many deep friendships they’re able to sustain. In the 1990s, evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar published a study claiming that humans can cognitively handle up to 150 meaningful social relationships (which includes family and friends) at any point, colloquially known as Dunbar’s Number. Not all 150 contacts are equal, in any case. The number of close friendships people have, Dunbar found, is five. Similarly, a 2020 study found that having three to five close friends is enough to feel fulfilled.
Reaching this level of intimacy with a person requires a significant time investment — around 200 hours, researcher Jeffrey Hall found. Achieving this level of closeness with every person you encounter would be time-consuming and exhausting. Those in whom you’ve invested the most time — say, a childhood friend or a colleague turned tier-one pal — are most likely to compose the inner circle of intimate friends.
These are the relationships where you can be unabashedly yourself. There’s no need to self-censor or perform for the most intimate friends, and they accept you for who you indeed are, at your best and your not-so-best, says psychologist Andrea Bonior, author of Detox Your Thoughts: Quit Negative Self-Talk for Good and Discover the Life You’ve Always Wanted. The friends who make you feel energized, comfortable, restored, authentic, valued, and vulnerable. “Our deeper relationships help us feel loved for who we truly are rather than telling everybody who we are,” Bonior says.
After more than 65 years on earth and nearly 23 years building Autus, having contact with hundreds of people, and accumulating more than 500 clients, I used to have my own perception of friendship and like to share the following:
- I have a few very close friends, but they are more like my brother – I can share my life with them without feeling uncomfortable, insecure, or threatened at any time. I can call them anytime and know they will answer, listen to me and immediately offer help if needed.
- Then I had so many clients that I became friends with as a result of building a business – some became close friends, others good friends, and some just friends (while others disappeared along the way as trust and respect could not be established). I cherish every relationship with all our clients but know that there is a professional side of the business to be respected. It is sometimes tricky, but I always believed that mutual respect, trust, and peace of mind are the bonding reason for these relationships.
- I am getting too old now to try to impress anybody or build a relationship just for business. Life is too short and valuable to go down that road. Either accept me for who and what I am, or we can move on.
Thank you to everybody who made a difference in my life, touched me in some way, and helped me to become who I am and what I can do. I cherish honesty, objective and genuine people, and real friendships. Enjoy life and if you think I can in some way be part of it, or you need help – call me.
